


Four times Ryan and Esposito comforted each other

by Original_Cypher



Category: Castle
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-18
Updated: 2012-01-18
Packaged: 2017-10-29 18:25:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/322804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Original_Cypher/pseuds/Original_Cypher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Ryanandesposito <a href="http://ryanandesposito.livejournal.com/43819.html">Secret Santa Fic Exchange</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [etherealflaim from LJ](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=etherealflaim+from+LJ).



> Spoilers: Up until 3x22?  
> Disclaimer: I don't own them. I'm just borrowing and playing with them.  
> A/N: There are four pieces. They could form a timeline, but then parts wouldn't really be coherent (part 1 wouldn't fit with the rest). But, imagining that they are from alternate universes, they're ordered chronologically.  
> A/N 2: I'm sorry for the mood of some bits. I've finalized some parts coming back from a funeral, so... they might be... dark.

1\. The subway ride from Beckett's place was a complete blur in Kevin's mind. He didn't remember consciously making the decision to follow Javier home. He couldn't be sure, given the fuzziness, and his utter lack of interest in the question in the face of their loss, but it was likely it was a partners thing. He loved Jenny, but there was no way he and Javier could have parted tonight. No way he could have gone home to Jenny and stayed sane. He needed someone, but he couldn't talk about it yet. He knew, by experience, and through witnessing others as well, that one day he could. That tomorrow he would probably be able to go home and tell Jenny “My skip's dead. Can I get an extra tight hug?”, but not tonight. Tonight, he wasn't sure if he could unclench his jaw.

So he needed someone that already knew. Better yet, someone that felt the same loss.

By the way Javier continuously kept their shoulders pressed together even though the subway was mostly empty, a very rare display of support or/and neediness on his part, he could tell that Javier knew that. He knew, and he felt the same.

Predictably, they ended up in Javier's living room.

After motioning for his partner to sit down, Javier went to rummage in the liquor cabinet, then headed to the kitchen. Kevin tuned out when he heard the familiar sounds of cupboards creaking open and shut. He only needed to wait, and then Esposito would be back, and he wouldn't be alone anymore. So he let the static in his mind swallow him, and startled back to the present when Javier sat his tumbler down on his glass coffee table. Ryan watched the ice cubes clink together, and suddenly realized he had his hands wrapped around something warm. Something warm that Javier was still holding onto, questioning eyes on him, until he was sure his friend had a secure hold on it. Kevin tugged gently, looked down.

Then almost melted in tears.

Just like the shoulder pressing, you had to know Javier - you had to know Kevin _and_ Javier - to know how much _this_ meant. Ryan hadn't even heard the microwave work, yet, he was staring down into a Starbucks tall mug of warm honey milk.

That drink was something Javier disapproved of. Greatly.

Not because it was kid-like, or because it was something lovee dovee Kevin did with his girlfriend. But because they were _cops_. Cops didn't do such drinks. Let Kevin just try and order a Cosmo with his best friend around. That usually earned him a slap to the back of the head and Esposito ordering him a Hole In One instead.

But Javier also knew he loved it, and found it soothing. And kind of like home.

He turned his face towards his friend and tried to muster a thankful smile. His partner nodded back, waving his hand to the whiskey bottle on the table. “If you want to add a kick.”

Those were the first words he said since they'd left Beckett's.

The Irishman's mouth felt to dry to speak. He licked his lips and sipped at his drink. “Are we getting drunk?” he asked, voice rough like he had the flu.

Javier eyed the bottle, then his glass. “Don't have to. I felt like the burn. But we gotta work tomorrow.”

Kevin nodded. “Right.”

They drank in silence. Ryan let the warmth fill him and settle, a heavy, anchoring weight into his stomach. Esposito grimaced as he let the pure liquor scorch its way down his throat and rubbed his tongue to the roof of his mouth.

After a while, Kevin set his half empty – today it definitely wouldn't feel half full – mug on the table and hugged his knees. Javier shot back the end of his drink and shifted, crossing his legs on the sofa and peering at his friend. Distantly, the Irishman was aware of the scrutiny. He was pondering whether poking at his feelings now would be a shorter way through grief to acceptance or the best way for him to break down and never get up again. And through that reasoning, he knew that Javier had it worse.

Kevin had loved Captain Montgomery. He'd been the one to handpick him out of his narcotics team and sweet talk him into the 12th. He'd been their leader, their friend, their surrogate work daddy.

To Javier he'd represented all of that and more. He was Javier's model. An idol.

And he was tainted.

It was like someone had told Kevin Castle wasn't the one writing his books, or told Beckett her mom was still alive and faked her death, or Alexis that Taylor Swift was just a pretty face for someone else's voice.

It was soul crushing. It was... his whole world not making sense anymore.

To Kevin... the Cap didn't make sense for a moment, but then it didn't deter the image he had, the man he knew. For Javier... one betrayal was one betrayal too many. In someone he loved that much, he couldn't stand the pain, couldn't forgive. And it was killing him that he wanted to so much but just... couldn't.

“You're a better cop than me.”

“What?” Kevin stared at his partner. “How?!”

It was clear from the expression in the dark eyes that Esposito was serious. “When... when I saw that picture... when you... you pieced it back together for it to make sense I just... I shut down. I wouldn't hear it.”

“I didn't want to hear it either, Javi.” Kevin whispered, fighting a chill running up his back now that they were talking about it.

“No, I mean... I was numb. You were the one... that thought, that... worked it out.”

“It wasn't-...”

“I didn't think of Beckett.” Javier interrupted. “You did.”

Kevin stared back. He could see the guilt in Javier now. He understood where it stemmed from. “No, man. That's... I thought for it half a second before you would have, but...”

“I don't think so, Kev... I... I wouldn't accept it. I would have... done anything.... not to hear it.”

He almost had.

Kevin blinked warily when Javier reached out for his face, finger grazing his jaw and thumb ghosting over the bruise on the apple of his cheek. “I'm sorry I hit you.”

“It's okay.” He waited until his friend mustered up the courage to look back into his eyes. “You hit like a girl.”

This got an incredulous chuckle out of the Latino. He shook his head. “Pretty sure I didn't.”

Kevin gave him a poor smile, and got up tiredly.

“Where are you-...?” Javier started, until he noticed the hand held out to him. Suspicious, but trusting, he took it.

Kevin tugged him up and with an evident, full bodied sag of relief, pulled him into a hug. Javier went, wrapping his arms around Kevin's back and holding on. Ryan took a deep, slow breath in and buried his face against his friend's shoulder.

After a while, they started swaying minutely. “Are we dancing?” Javier asked, a hint of teasing in his tone.

“Shut up.” Kevin held on tighter. “Shh...” They both needed this. So they would have it, under the pretense that the smaller man was the needy one.

It was a mix of surprise and the complete opposite when Kevin felt the first sob force its way out of his best friend. He'd been expecting this, he knew the pain Javier must have been in, but still... he hadn't been expecting it to be let out. He squeezed harder.

He'd never seen Javier Esposito cry.

Esposito had seen him cry a bunch of times. When he lost his father and got the call at his desk. When they arrived too late to save a witness turned second victim. When he killed his first assailant. When he broke his wrist training. From exhaustion and frustration on a case that kept them up for days because it was time sensitive - more so than usual.

He'd never seen his partner cry. Technically, he realized, as Javier's fists bunched up his shirt between his shoulder blades, he still didn't.

“I don't know what to believe anymore.” the plaintive tone in Esposito's words was the worst to bear, and Kevin knew, that even though himself wasn't shaking, his face was wet as well.

“I know, Javi...” he said, hand coming to cup the back of the dark haired head. “Look, you can believe in all of us left, okay. Beckett. You've know her ages.”

“She's changing... she...” It was true. She was evolving, letting go of some things that were holding her down. A very good thing for her, but something that didn't make her ideal for the role of something unchanging to hold on to.

“What about me?”

Javier pulled away to stare him in the eyes. Red rimmed chocolate bore into red rimmed blue. “You're my...”

“Partner.” Ryan supplied, when Esposito didn't seem to find the words.

“You're my one thing.” Javier corrected.

“Your one thing.” he echoed with a frown.

Javier nodded, hand strong on Kevin's shoulder, trying to make himself understood physically as well as logically. “That one thing I know is there. Always. That won't ever change.” He clarified. “You're by my side whether I want you or not.”

Kevin twitched at that last part. “Hey, what's that supposed to...”

“Thornton.” Javier reminded him. That one case Javier wanted him to leave alone so he wouldn't get hurt.

“Oh. Yeah. Right.” Kevin gave him a contrite smile, then a shrug. “You're stuck with me, bro.” he couldn't have looked happier about it, given the circumstances.

Javier smiled back for a few seconds, then reality settled and the sorrow gained again. They stayed standing, numb and irresolute, too close together in front of the couch. Not awkward, just bone weary.

“We'll get through this, Javi.” Kevin said after a while, as much to reassure himself than his partner.

“I don't know how I'm going to make it to the funeral.” Javier confessed.

“You will. I know it. _We_ will.” Kevin insisted, locking their eyes together in promise. “We'll make it, we'll give the Captain our best send off. Because he was our Skip and he was a great man. And we'll go on.”

Javier sighed deeply, taking a step back to run a hand through his hair without elbowing his friend. “I don't know....”

Kevin caught his elbow preemptively as he swayed. “Hey, careful.” he warned. “When's the last time you slept?”

“I, um...” Javier frowned and considered Kevin.

“Right. Come on.” He took his hand and pulled him away from his living room.

Javier finished yawning, wiping the moisture away from his face with his free hand and eventually managed to get a word out. “Are you... seriously taking me to bed? To _my_ bed?”

“You need to rest.” was the answer he got. “ _I_ need to rest.”

Once they reached the bottom of Esposito's bed, Ryan turned around and got rid of his shirt. The tanned man looked down in a daze as slim, pale fingers worked the buttons open, revealing his tee. When Kevin shrugged off his own, Javier found himself mesmerized by the dips around the pale collar bone that the garment and strict tie usually covered. He found it a shame. He felt the same, slender hands warm on his chest again. “Kevin, this isn't-...”

He couldn't finish, breath knocked out of him by Kevin pushing him down on the bed. He sat there where he'd plopped down, then let himself fall backwards, looking up at Ryan for guidance. “Rest.” The blue eyed man should have looked ridiculous in a tank top and slacks, pointing a finger at him, but Javier didn't find him so. He nodded obediently.

He forgot to protest when his partner stripped him of his pants and socks, then watched as Kevin proceeded to do the same to himself. He killed the lights, 'NYC by night' streaming through the blinds left as the only proof that the world hadn't ended and left them both alone.

Yawning, Ryan crawled up the bed until he could plop himself down and land on a pillow. Javier, too exhausted and hurting to keep his usual restrain down, reached out for the comfort he craved. His hand found the width of Kevin's waist, then slid around to his spine. He guided himself upwards, closer, with his eyes shut. He pressed his face to Kevin's stomach and felt bare arms wrap around him. He knew, even in the semi darkness, that if he opened his eyes, he could count the freckles. He turned his head and brushed his lips against the pale skin as he shimmied his way up lazily. Kevin made a soft noise.

Esposito felt the hairs on his shoulders and arms stand up and he pressed his face in harder, heel digging in the bed to push himself all the way up Kevin's body. When their mouths met, they were already open on a gasp, seeking and desperate. Javier resumed torturing the fabric of the back of Kevin's clothes, and his partner returned by cradling the back of his neck, tilting his head so they could delve deeper.

Javier made a muffled, hitched sound, between a struggle against restrain and a sob.

Ryan pulled away with a mix of a moan and the frustrated sound of someone forcing himself to _stop_. “I meant it when I said _rest_.” He whispered, but he was the one to haul Javier back into the kiss. Esposito whimpered and pushed back against him, pawing at his shoulder blades to get press him closer. They clutched at each other, the kiss growing furious and anxious. Teeth closed on lips and Ryan moaned in pain, Javier's tongue soothed the burn. They were both hurting, trying to let it out, push it away. At the peak of desperation, Kevin tore himself away, panting and plum lipped. “You know we can't... work together if we do this...”

The eyes Javier locked on his were hollow, dark with want and the desire to stop feeling anything but _them_. “We have no Cap to fire us.”

He went to kiss him again, but Kevin dodged his mouth long enough to whisper “Lanie.”.

Javier froze in the next kiss, pulled away to meet his eyes. “Jenny.”

Ryan's face twisted in pain and frustration, feelings pulling him in different directions. He watched his fingers as he ghosted them on his partner's lips. “Please. Just... let us be here for each other tonight.” he whispered. “Just us.”

Esposito observed as Ryan kept looking at his hand, at the lips he was touching, anywhere but his eyes. He reached out to wipe a stray tear at the corner of one blue, Irish eye with his thumb. “Just us.” he echoed, and waited for his partner to look back at him to tug him forward.

Their lips met again, soft and relieved. Javier shuffled higher and wrapped himself around Kevin.

When the sniper shot rips through the air and Beckett's chest, it also shatters their bubble of comfort. The world comes crashing back down and they let go.


	2. Chapter 2

2\. “It's rigged! It has to be rigged.” Javier shot up from his seat and telegraphed his anger with every muscle in his tense body. 

“... I don't think so.” Kevin must have had a kink for directing his partner's anger at himself, because he couldn't help reminding him of his presence.

“Oh yeah?!” Esposito whipped around and glared at his best friend. “You don't think this douche bag is legacy to some big ass fraternity that has hackers in their midst or something?!” He growled. “God, I miss the time when geeks weren't cool.”

“Hey!” The Irishman was king of all surveillance media and grew very excited each time they had the opportunity to use ear buds and wires, so what? Geeks were cool, jocks had to deal with it.

“Come on! Her video was awesome!” Javier plopped down on the couch next to his best friend. “It was illarious! It was the goal, right? Funniest vid? We even had a celebrity in it.”

Kevin made a face. “The celebrity was her dad. And... most kids in the Greek system aren't literate. I'm not sure they know who he is.” 

Javier kept glaring. 

“What's the big deal, Javi? She made second! She got into the sorority she wanted, right? She's psyched about it. Why can't _you_ move on?”

“Our vid was awesome.” Javier's expression started to look scarily like a pout. 

Kevin smiled. Javier was being an adorable vindictive coach, and it was cute. Not that he'd never risk pointing that out. 

Alexis had asked him to give her a hand for a video contest for rush week. She was supposed to submit a funny video in 48 hours. Together, they had come up with a prank to pull on Castle. They'd had to put Kate in the confidence for it to work. In the end, the video played like this: Standing in the Castle's living room, Alexis winked at beckoned the camera, held by Javier. They slipped silently in Castle's bedroom. Alexis touched Kate's shoulder to wake her up and she grinned, slipping out of bed. She was nice enough to take hold of the camera as Alexis mischievously produced a roll of plastic food wrap. Very carefully, she and Javier secured Castle in his bed, wrapping the thin plastic sheet over and under several times. Alexis, very gingerly, slipped her dad's sunglasses on his nose... and blasted _Wannabe_ in the room. 

Castle woke up with a start, only to find out he could neither move nor see. The sight itself, Kevin admitted gladly, was funny on its own, but Castle's reaction made it priceless. Between the _“Help! I'm drunk again.”, the “Kaaate, they finally took me. Come get me!”_ , and the _“I'm paralyzed. Oh, god, I didn't think being abducted would suck so much.”_ , you had plenty of typical Castle to mock. At that point they had all cracked up and Castle had bitched at them, before recognizing that the prank was genius and that he'd probably use food wrap to tie someone up in his next book, but could someone please let him go now because he had to pee.

“How can it not rank first?” Esposito said plaintively.

“The other guy had kittens.”

“Ours had the goddamn Spice Girls. And aliens!” He protested.

Ryan made a contrite face. “... They were sneezing kittens.” 

“I don't care.”

Kevin chuckled. “Aww... Are you pouting?” 

Javier shoved him. “Shut up.” 

Ryan patted his best friend's back and shifted closer so he could wrap his arm around his shoulders. He knew how seriously Esposito took a challenge and he knew he was offended for his protégé. “Still, we got to all have a super tasty brunch in Castle's bed while he was still tied up and gagged.” 

This got a beaming smile back on Javier's face. “Yeah, that was fun.” 


	3. Chapter 3

3\. Javier whimpered in pain when he rolled onto his side and cracked one eye open. The movement was bad, the light was worse. But the worst of all were Kevin's cries from... somewhere. He frowned and tried to understand where he was, what was happening.

This definitely felt like a hangover, and the thing his hand had just collided with -since he stubbornly refused to try opening his eyes again- felt like his bedside table. Good. Home, then. He could go right back to sleep.

“ _Hellooo..?!”_

Or not.

Javier pushed himself up on his rear and waited for the world to follow him to the vertical setting before cracking one eye, then the other. Hm. Not bad. His brain wasn't leaking out from his ears just yet.

“.. Kev...” he croaked when he heard renewed curses and calls from down the hall. The sound came out the pityful moan of someone who needs to clear their throat.

He struggled to get up and was pretty proud of himself when he made it to the living room -and the source of the disturbance- without changing his mind and going back to bed, or better yet, curling in on himself right there in the hall and napping the day away. What the fuck had happened last night?

And then all came into focus at the sight of Kevin. A very... topless Kevin, holding a bunched up comforter around himself, sporting a glaring bruise on his chest and looking... distressed.

Right.

 _Alcohol._

Esposito blinked.

 _Ryan coming over. Then tequila. Then..._

Kevin kept yelping things at him that were way to high pitched to be processed beyond 'skull cracking'.

Oh, cracking. _Kevin falling over. Hence the bruise._

 _Kevin... staring. Eyes, blue, blue._

 _Hands clinging._

 _Esposito pulling his shirt off._

Javier coughed.

Miraculously, that stopped Kevin's tirade. “Would you mind... keeping it down?” The tanned man said with a crackly voice. “Some of us aren't Irish.” Seriously, what the hell? Ryan had been way more drunk that he was. No fair.

“Don't deflect, Javi.” Kevin snapped. “Why the hell am I only wearing my underwear?”

Oh, that.

“Oh, um...” Javier had a foul taste in his mouth. He licked his lips and rubbed his face. “I hid your clothes last night.”

Kevin seemed to wait for him to go on. Javier thought it was a sufficient explanation as to why his clothes weren't present on his body. They were elsewhere. Cake. “ _Why?_ ”

 _So many questions._

Javier thought about it, then it came to him. “Because you were drunk, and you wanted to drive.” He said, scratching at his stomach.

“So... you took off my clothes.” Kevin's tone was dripping of sarcasm. Javier was in a hurry to get past his best friend's apparent anger so they could move on to secret Irish remedies for hangovers and Halo.

“You know, I was drunk too.” he argued. “And _I_ have the hungover to prove it.” he gestured to his friend. “You wouldn't tell me where your keys were, I wanted to crash. I stripped you. I went to bed. I figured they had to be in there, and if not... you're way to shy to even step in the hall in your tidy whities.”

“Uh huh.” Kevin was still glaring.

It was starting to make Javier uncomfortable. If they were fighting, he wasn't up to speed, because he didn't know why. It wasn't like Kevin's clothes were lost. “I couldn't let you drive, bro.” he pleaded. “And you wanted to go see Jenny. I couldn't let you do that.”

It seemed to have the opposite effect on Ryan as he'd intended. “Right.”

Something in that tone made Javier's skin crawl. His head was pounding, now wasn't the time. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“Yeah, you're a great friend, Javi. The best.” The words were great, the tone told a different story. “You care so much about me. You're always there for me. And you strip me naked and you keep me from my fiancé.”

“Former! Kev.” Javier snapped, then mentally kicked himself remembering what a mess Kevin had been about it. Even if he was angry now, he couldn't have been so much better in one night. “She's your ex, remember? That's why you came here and got us both drunk in the first place.”

Ryan's eyes were ice. “ _Right_. Right, and you thought... hey, why waste such a good opportunity. Let's have a peep show.”

Esposito could feel the nausea rising, he was pretty sure it had nothing to do with alcohol abuse. “Are you fucking serious?!”

“Oh, don't think I don't know how you look at me. Everybody knows!” Kevin threw the hand that wasn't busy clutching the quilt around himself in the air. “You're pathetic, dude.”

Javier felt as though a direct punch to the nose would hurt less.

“And now you kept me from going back to her!” There was disgust on the Irishman's face. “You know,” he said, voice flat and toneless. “I think I should consider a transfer.”

“Right.” Javier swallowed the hurt and sick feeling roiling up his trachea. “Okay.” he missed the surprise on Ryan's face when he calmly turned away and walked back to his room. His partner was probably expecting more of a protest, a denial, a push back, maybe he had been hoping for it. Instead, Javier dropped a bundle of jeans, sweater vest and flashy tie at his feet. “Here.” he said as Kevin looked at it, as though confused what he was to do with them, he who had so ardently protested his state of undress. Then Javier spoke. Calm, quiet and icy. “You know. I may be in love with you... but you're making this pretty easy suddenly...” He had a bitter smile while Kevin reeled from the up front admission. “So, here it goes. I kept you here, because you were _raving_ last night! So yeah, I love you. So yeah, it was painful to watch you with her. And it fucking hurt to have you propose and feel so conflicted about it, because man, you were happy and I was glad for it. And it fucking hurt to have you so miserable over her last night and yet be a little happy about it, because you were crying man, and I hate being that guy too. So yeah, I always kind of thought that you could do better than the cute little clingy nice girl. So yeah, I kind of hate her for the state you're in right now. And yeah!” finally, he started yelling. “I was being a friend when I kept you from going to her... drunk and not making any sense! Because I sure kept you from making a fool of yourself and ruining your last chance.” Javier held Kevin's gaze until his partner was about to speak, then spoke softly again. “So you're welcome.”

Kevin looked chastised, a bit ashamed, but mostly blank from shock.

“Now get out of my apartment.” He said, then turned on his heels and walked away.

He would have laughed at Kevin's typical 'domestic dispute' reaction. “Where are you going?”

Except he wasn't in the mood to laugh. So he growled instead. “I need a shower.”

When he stepped out of the bathroom, a little less fuzzy, everything felt sharper and more real. He wasn't sure if he was happy about it.

He shuffled to his living room. Kevin was gone. The only sign left of his presence there was the fact that the freaking blanket was folded in a neat square, something that would never happen naturally in an Esposito ecosystem.

He sat on the couch and tried to mentally order the coffee maker to start. He pulled his legs to his chest, grabbed his cellphone, and called Gates.

***

The weekend dragged on and Javier felt the same. He'd lost all sense of purpose. There was no plans, no one to hang out with, nothing to look forward to. He cleaned, washed his clothes, actually took the time to cook a couple of his mom's recipes and didn't look at his phone. Come Monday morning, it still was all the same.

He turned on his phone before he went to shower after his lunch, when he came back, it said he'd missed eight calls from Castle, and one from Beckett. He deleted Rick's voicemails and listened to the one from his boss. _“Hey, Esposito.”_ Kate greeted. _“If you were taking a vacation you could have cleaned your desk. Gates' gonna blame me for that one.”_ she said casually, then there was a beat. _“Listen, Javi. I don't know what happened, but my fine detective skills tell me it's between you and Kevin. Those and the fact that he's been a mess and he doesn't look like he's been sleeping very much. And that he keeps turning to talk to you and you're not here and it makes him even worse. I won't push, and I'll try to get Rick to stop calling, but if you wanna talk, I'm here._ ” she said, softly, and he remembered why they had both been friends for a long time. _“And please, change your mind about the transfer request you put in. I'm holding it for now. I will pass it on if it's what you really want, but please think about it. Try to work things out first. Don't leave us like that, Javi. Please, we make a good team.”_

Javier put the phone back down and sighed.

He really needed to do something. Either... text Beckett that he did want the transfer, or... or what? It wasn't like it was up to him to fix the situation. If Ryan really saw him that way, well... he'd been wrong and they'd never really been friends. You can't be both disgusted with someone and best buds with them, so Ryan had to have been faking it.

Indeed, decisions.

Yet he wanted to ignore it all. He decided he could stall until the end of his vacation days. And if by then he hadn't figured it out and/or remodeled all of his place out of boredom, he could still pack a bag and disappear. Kate would be nice enough to pretend not to find him.

***

He'd given up cooking when he'd run out of groceries. He didn't feel like getting dressed or interacting with human beings. Therefore: takeout delivery.

He hauled himself up from the stool he'd been perched on, watching the street from his window, and wandered over to the door when the bell rang.

Only to feel like closing it again.

“Javi, wait!” Kevin pleaded when he saw him looking away and going back inside. “I need to talk to you.”

Esposito leveled a glare on him. “I have a phone.”

“You wouldn't have taken my call.”

Javier had to concede the point. He stepped back and allowed the Irishman to enter, telling himself it couldn't be worse than last time.

“Besides, I do my apologies face to face.”

Well, at least that was encouraging. Still, Javier didn't think there was a way they could come back from this undamaged. He headed over to the counter and grazed the coffee pot with his hand. Still hot. “Coffee?” he offered, more out of habit than gracious host behavior.

“Thanks. I'm good.”

Esposito was far from good, but he didn't feel like coffee either.

He met Ryan in the living room and stayed standing, wanting to be this physically imposing threat he liked to think he could be. “So. This apology.”

Kevin looked down and nodded to himself. “You probably know that I'm sorry already. But that doesn't keep me from needing to say it to you.” He said to the floor. “I could explain to you all about why I was such a dick, but... you already know that too. Because you know me and you read me better than anybody. Besides, maybe, my mom.” He said, and looked up at Javier with an offer of a quirked shy smile. Javier didn't smile back, but he nodded, so Ryan seemed to relax. “Truth is I was in pain. I was hurt and stupid and I felt backed up into a corner and... I was afraid. I woke up on your couch almost naked and I just... You know that fear that takes you over when you _don't know_ what happened and that's what scares you. Not what you imagine could have but the simple fact that you don't know makes you panic? That plus hangover, plus knowing... I snapped.”

Esposito kept staring back. “I remember.”

“I'm just... I didn't mean it.”

Javier had a bitter smirk. “Which part?”

“Javi, I want us back. I certainly don't want a transfer and I am not one of those homophobic douchebags.”

Esposito took a moment to process that, he wasn't sure he knew what to answer. “Okay.”

“I know it can't be like before-...”

“No, it can't.” Esposito cut. “Because it was voiced out loud, even though you're tiptoeing around it now. I'm gay, and I love you. So we're gonna have to work with that.”

“We could.” Kevin said, looking hopeful and trusting. “It fucked Beckett and Castle up for a while, but they worked it out.”

“They're _both_ in love with each other, Kev.” Javier snapped.

Kevin opened his mouth, the closed it. Javier watched him closely as he took a step froward. “Maybe-...”

The tanned man held up a hand. “Whatever you're about to say. Don't say it for my sake.”

“I'm not.” Ryan assured him. “But... you know how me and Castle are Mulder and you and Beckett are Scully? What if I was more like Beckett after all? With the blind thing?”

Javier frowned. “You said you knew.”

“About you you, yeah. I mean... I gathered. I'm not... saying 'ha, ha, everybody has a crush on me', or anything.” Ryan stammered, looking embarrassed and pleading, so Javier decided to help him out.

“I got ya.”

Kevin took a deep breath and nodded. “All this time... I sort of... had a clue about how you liked me. I saw it, and... it was weird and confusing, but it never felt bad. Please, Javi, believe me on that. I've never disliked you for liking me.”

Javier appreciated the understatement of the hatred and disgust some people displayed when finding out others' feelings sometimes.

“And... I thought, for sure, I knew how I felt about you. When the truth is... I don't.”

Javier looked up, startled and confused. “What does that mean?”

Kevin chuckled nervously. “It means, I'm straight. Or, at least, I always was. But I do love you.”

Esposito narrowed his eyes and shook his head, looking away.

“I do, Javi. It's true.” The 'please, I'm not kidding' desperate edge to his tone drew Esposito back. “I... A partner is not anybody. It's not just a colleague, it's not just a friend. It's... I guess it's a law enforcement thing, that bond that comes from having your life in someone else's hands.”

Javier felt warm at that, because he understood and felt the same. Seeing that, Kevin smiled a little.

“I've had partners before, but.. the way I feel about us. You're... you're also my best friend.” He said softly. “You've been... pretty much my world since I came to the 12th and... I don't mind.”

“You don't mind.” He wasn't sure what that meant.

“And I... what you want, I could... I could want that, I think...”

Javier held out a hand, realizing how close they'd become, almost like usual. Even their tone matched a regular personal conversation they could have had. Except this one... this one would tip the balance between making it work or fucking it all up. “Don't. Come on, you don't mean that. Kev, I’m used to the one sided thing. I'm not asking for anything and you don't have to give me more for me to stay.” he assured him. “As long as we work as partners and we're still friends then, there's no reason for me to go.”

“Yes, there is.” Kevin said, blue eyes suddenly looking very sad. “If I keep you from moving on and being happy, I have no right not to let you go.”

Javier scoffed. “My decision, bro.”

“Shut up!” Ryan teased. “I'm trying to put to words the clusterfuck in my head, give me a minute.”

Javier laughed and held out his hands, lips remaining shut.

Speaking of lips, Kevin started staring at Javier's, like they held the wording of his next sentence, like he was actually considering... Javier took a breath to speak, and Kevin cut him, glaring gently.

“I know what you're gonna say. Jenny and I just broke up, blah blah blah... I'm not over her.”

Esposito obediently remained silent, but nodded. Those were pretty much his thoughts.

“Well, maybe I am.” Javier raised his eyebrows. “Hey, who's feeling what I'm feeling right now, huh? Do you trust me to figure things out like a grown up, or what?” Javier conceded with a side nod. “When I was here last...” they both mentally cringed at the memory. “... I was a mess. I'll admit it. But, this past week, I’ve turned it over and over in my head and... I don't think it was over Jenny.” Again, eyebrow raised in response. “I was mourning... a life that I'd built and picked. I was wrecked over the fact that I thought I knew everything that was coming and that I was loved and cherished and I always would be, you know? I was hurt. My pride, too, bro. _I got dumped._ ” he frowned, looked at something in the distance and scratched his forehead. “But I don't think I was really that broken about losing her. I lost my footing, yeah... but in the end, you know what kept me together?”

As Kevin let him time to reply, Javier dared. “What?”

“I knew I had you.” Kevin said, then he smiled to himself, then his face fell. “And then I remembered what a dick I was and that... maybe I didn't.”

“Kev...” Javier reached out.

“We're good, right?”

“Yeah. We are.” Javier gave him a smile. A sincere smile. “For a moment I thought someone had replaced you by an evil twin that was doing a bad impersonation, but... you're back. So I'm back.” he shrugged awkwardly. “Man, I don't know who I am without you either. It's been a while since you showed up on my doorstep and said 'howdy partner, I got beer and I hear you got a wii. Let's get takeout and bond.'”

Ryan laughed at the memory. “Corny, but it worked.”

Too well, alas. But for all the heartaches, Javier was happy he had one Kevin Ryan as a partner and friend, he made life not boring. In a lot less chaotic way than Castle did.

Again, with the staring at new places.

“I want to kiss you.” Kevin said just as naturally as he would have informed the tanned man he had an eyelash on his cheek. Something he liked to do, often, at work, while interviewing witnesses. Which was always followed by _“Can we see your badges again?”_.

Esposito just stared back.

Kevin chewed on his lip. _Very_ distracting. “I think I'd like you to...”

Javier drew in a breath. “To what?”

“To be all around me.” Ryan uttered. He was standing very close. “To... grab me, hold me close. I think I'd like that.”

Javier waited. “Okay.” He said eventually, not as much in agreement than dazed acknowledgment.

They usually stood pretty close, but not... face to face like that.

When nothing else came, he prompted. He knew there was a “But...?”

Kevin pressed his lips in a contrite smile. “But I don't know how much more I can give you.” he admitted. “I've never... even thought of... males, that way.”

“It's not very different.” Javier recalled. “It's about affection, Kev.”

“Exactly.” Ryan cut in. “Affection. _That_ 's what I want from you.” He chuckled again, eyes avoiding Javier's. “I'm greedy, but since you seem to have some for me I want all of it. I want you to be all mine.”

Javier chuckled. He didn't really know if that made sense or not, but Kevin's flustered appearance and choices of wording were adorable.

“But I don't know how far I can reciprocate.”

Javier decided to cut it short and reevaluate later. “Why don't we just stop it here for now?”

“What do you mean?”

“You wanted a hug? I could use a hug too after this week. So come here. And we'll see later about what we want to come next, okay?”

Kevin took a step forward and hoovered, looking like he expected the offer to be a feint. It took Esposito opening his arms and tugging him close for him to come.

First he just pressed himself to Esposito's front as if to make sure he was really there, then he wormed his arms around and breathed out a sigh of relief. Javier held him back, feeling the cramped feeling in his stomach recede for the first time in days. “Let's never do that again, okay? No more fighting.” He felt Kevin nod against his shoulder and neck.

Ryan sniffed and Javier squeezed him tighter. “You know, it never has to be anything more. Please, don't try to give me something that you think I want...”

Kevin pulled away with a glare, and grabbed his face between his hands. “Would you stop doubting me, for a minute?” he whispered, then, pointedly let his eyes fall to Javier's lips. “I'm a big boy, now. I kinda know what I want.”

Javier felt hot. Too hot. He grinned at Kevin's antics. “Yeah?”

“Mhm.”

The feel of Kevin's lips shouldn't have been such a shock, yet it felt like everything around and inside Javier blew up when they kissed. God, how many times had he imagined this moment? It was a chaste kiss, but a meaningful one. Kevin was giving himself a taste of what it felt like to kiss a man, to kiss _this_ man, and figuring out how he felt about it. How he felt about being in strong arms and being the slimmer one.

So when he nuzzled a little closer, hands tugging Javier forward oh so lightly, Esposito felt like his knees were about to give out.

Somebody made a noise, and the kiss took a life of its own. Javier found himself cupping Kevin's jaw and changing the angle of the kiss. He marveled in the way their chapped lips rubbed together, skin catching on skin. He brushed the pad of his thumb to the stubble that was tickling his chin. Every second was one more second Kevin wasn't pulling away. One more second he was being kissed back. Ryan's fingers dug into his skin, their lips parted and... the doorbell rang.

Javier froze and took a deep, exasperated breath, keeping his eyes closed. Kevin pulled his head back. “Waiting for someone?” he asked half teasing and half uncertain.

Esposito sighed. “Thai food.”

Kevin chuckled and let his arms slip off. “What do you know. My favorite.” While reluctantly letting go himself, Javier realized he would have kicked himself upon realizing that if the evening had gone as he expected it to.

Ryan gave him a smile.

He knew that smile. It was their smile, their friendship smile. It meant “you're okay, I'm okay.”. Javier waited for it to feel the same to him again. If... things... kept on happening, it would probably take some getting used to.

He was still dumbstruck when Kevin bumped his arm gently and fished out his wallet on his way to the door. “I got it.”


	4. Chapter 4

4\. Javier had come back from the bathroom to find Kevin on the couch -that damn red couch he insisted to bring with him-, finally letting go. “Kev?” he'd said, quite stupidly, as he hurried over to his boyfriend's side. 

“I'm sorry.” Kevin sat up straighter and tried to wipe away the tears from his face.

“Shh, come on.” Javier shook his head. “None of that here.” He pulled the smaller man against his side and felt Ryan sag into him. “I just wish I could do something.”

Kevin tortured the front of Esposito's shirt. “That's what you get when you make me work on the 24th.” he said with a bubble of laughter that died quickly. 

“What can I do, baby?” Esposito asked, cradling him tighter against his side.

The fact that Kevin didn't swat at him for calling him that was worrying Javier above all. “Don't move?” Ryan clutched at his shirt and pressed his forehead to the side of Javier's neck. 

“I'm here.”

That had been a painful case, one that was all the more harsh and absurd because it lacked all logic or justification. It was just murder. 

“They killed Santa, Javi.” Kevin voiced it out loud. “Those guys, they just... sought out a nice old grandpa in a Santa suit, beat him up until they kicked his face in... for _fun_.”

Javier found it just as sickening. The murder alone was atrocious, but the symbol, on this day, had been a little too much for everybody. 

“I know we had reservations, but.... can we just stay home?”

“You got it.” Javier shuffled so he could press a kiss to Kevin's hairline.

“I don't really feel like Christmas anymore.”

After they ate leftovers, curled up in blankets on the couch and Kevin had chuckled at some gags on tv, Javier brought the subject back. “So... you really want to cancel Christmas?” 

“... are you mad about the restaurant?” Kevin asked, doubt gaining on him.

“No, I'm just asking... Should I hold the present, then? It's kind of... time sensitive.”

“Yeah?” There was puzzlement in Kevin's eyes, and the gleeful curiosity that came to him when faced with a wrapped box.

“I think it'd cheer you right up, too.”

“Really?!” Kevin lost complete interest in the tv and faced his boyfriend on the couch. “What is it?”

Javier chuckled. “You know how we have a two weeks leave in a couple of days?” 

“Yeah?” Ryan was going to bounce off the couch any second.

“I thought that we'd spend them... away. So I got us plane tickets.” He said, enjoying the way those blue eyes widened and lit up.

“Really?”

“Did you know they light up the Eiffel Tower every night and they have a countdown to midnight with fireworks on the 31st?”

“ _Paris?!_ We're going to Paris?!” This was the face Javier had hoped to see.

He smiled teasingly. “Unless you still want to cancel Xmas.” 

Kevin shook his head and crawled forward, straddling his lap and smiling down at him. “Just... kiss me.” 

Esposito gazed up at him. “I can do that.” he said, before he complied. 

After a moment, Kevin pulled back to simply look at his lover. “I love you.” 

“I know, right? I'm pretty awesome.”

Ryan poked at his chest and laughed. Then he gave him a fond look. “You kind of are, Detective Esposito.” 

“Right back at you, Detective Ryan.” he said, dragging him back. “Right back at you.”


End file.
